"It's supposed to be funny."


October 8, 2013

Have you ever had a class that was not located on the first floor? Do you live in a house that is two stories tall? If your answer is yes to at least one of these questions then you have probably taken the stairs before. If your answer is no, don’t be ashamed, I know a lot of people who aren’t familiar with the stairs. It is a problem (uh, let’s use a more “politically correct” term) – it is a dilemma that can be fixed. By the end of this column, I will turn your KSD (Knowledge of Stairs Deficiency) into KSP (Knowledge of Stairs Proficiency).

It’s important to take the perfect first step when approaching the stairs. If something goes wrong, there is a greater chance of tripping. I either have to shuffle my feet or stretch my legs like Mr. Fantastic in order to take that flawless first step. Sure it might look awkward, but it would be more awkward to trip down the stairs, pushing everyone else down with me, including that cute girl from my Zumba class. And of course, my glasses would fly off and I would be like Velma trying to find them. But what’s even more awkward than all of that, is being the only guy in my Zumba class.

If the situation is the other way around and you witness someone else trip there are three things you can do: help, ignore, or laugh. I normally go with a mash-up of laughing to myself while pretending to ignore it. But if one of my professors tripped, I’ll step up and be the first person to help because I could really use some extra credit.

On the sides of the stairs are these things called railings. The railings are to help people get up and down the stairs. Most people don’t use them though because of the germs they attract. But I think germs are a myth; the government made them up so we would buy vast amounts of cleaning products. I don’t know how that would benefit the government, but my theory is bulletproof – I’m always one step ahead of you George Washington. So because germs are a myth, I love touching the railing. Not only that, I receive tremendous satisfaction from gliding my fingers leisurely up and down the rail. No, I am not implying anything further than that.

I personally like to take my time walking up and down the stairs. There is no reason to rush; I’m not Rocky Balboa. The people behind me usually don’t appreciate my laidback attitude. They tell me things like “step it up and walk faster,” “take a step back and let me pass you” – along with a bunch of other step puns.

This is one of the reasons why I started to “step skip”. I also started step skipping for fun with my friends – I call them my step brothers. We usually skip one step at a time, but the crazy step skippers skip two. And sometimes several step skippers skip steps just to make an awesome tongue twister. My mom doesn’t like my step skipping ways; she thinks I should take it “step by step”. And I agree, it’s a lot safer – but sometimes I need to risk it. I started step skipping when I got to college. I have to take at least two flights of stairs to get to each of my classes. I feel like I’m always walking up the stairs; I guess that’s why colleges are called “higher education”.

The most famous group of steps is the Stairway to Heaven. I haven’t seen it for myself but it sounds awesome. Unfortunately the only way to get there is to die. So if you’re planning on passing away anytime soon, you should definitely take a detour and check it out on your way to hell.

The biggest issue I have with taking the stairs – there are always butts in my face. Or should I say my face is in their butt. Well at least that’s how it feels – and sometimes smells. We all need to take a step in the right direction, and stop crowding the stairway, because I am sick of looking at everyone’s butt. Of course, if the butt in front of me belongs to that cute girl in my Zumba class, then I guess it doesn’t hurt to look.