"It's supposed to be funny."
Milestone Commentary

Milestone Commentary

November 18, 2013

Based on the fact that I wrote about columns and stairs for my past two columns, you might think I am fascinated with architecture. Well, you’re right. So sticking with that theme I’m going to talk about different types of stones: milestones.

It all started when I was an infant. Everyone would speak to me as if I were a baby. Can you believe that? All I wanted to do was talk about the molecular structure of an imbalanced molecule – but no – people would come up to my face and annoyingly say “goo-goo ga-ga” while I was trying to speak to them. As Stephanie Tanner would say, “How rude!”

A year or two later, people became less rude and started speaking to me with real words, but they would repeatedly ask me the same three questions: “What color is this?” “What sound does this make?” and “Who is that?” Yes, I know that an apple is red, a cow says moo, and that is Grandma Harriet; but when are you going to start asking me the tough questions like “How much should I charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?”

Speaking about far away places, once in a while I get the pleasure of seeing my very distant relatives. For some reason all of my distant relatives have the need to tell me, “Dustin, I remember when you were a little baby and now you are so tall!” I honestly don’t care if you remember me as a baby because I have no idea who you are. Also, thanks for pointing out that I have grown during my 20 years of living. I guess that’s why my old clothes don’t fit me. You’re like Cam Jansen solving that mystery.

By the end of 8th grade, I couldn’t have a conversation without someone asking, “Are you excited for high school?” or saying, “Don’t forget to watch out for the bullies.” Why would I be excited for school? That’s ridiculous. And why should I care about bullies? No one would mess with me – I do P90X.

Speaking about bad jokes, this one annoys me the most because I used to hear it so often. “Everybody get off the road, Dustin’s driving!” Yes, I might have been a new driver but that doesn’t mean I was terrible. Now I’m not saying I was the best driver, but I was definitely better than you. And I will admit, the joke was funny the first time. But after hearing it more than once, it was just another bad joke. So, as Joey Gladstone would say, “Cut-it-out.”

One of the last milestones you go through during high school is the wonderful college application process. Everybody wants to know where you applied, if you got accepted, etc. Why should they care where you applied? It just matters where you get in. But what are you suppose to say if you didn’t get accepted? I would probably say, “I was rejected, I’m a reject, and I’ll be in the dumpster sobbing to myself if you need me.”

Milestone commentary is an acceptable conversation starter in today’s society. But in my world, I rather you just say something random to start a conversation. So if I’m seeing you for Thanksgiving or any other time, please don’t bring up any milestone commentary. Either talk about something else – like how I would charge $10 per window to wash every window in Seattle – or stay away from me and shut up.