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I’m Not Asking for a Handout

I’m Not Asking for a Handout

April 23, 2014

I hate when I’m walking down the street and a random person tries to hand me a flyer. I usually don’t accept the flyers, but some solicitors are too sneaky for me. They will place their flyer perfectly in my hand, where my first reaction is to grab it. That’s easy to avoid though, I just have to keep my hands in my pockets. The problem is when they jump out at me. “Save the infertile chickens! Take this brochure to learn more!” You’re going to give me a heart attack — or worse — a paper cut.

For some people, it’s difficult to decline flyers. Solicitors radiate gamma rays of peer pressure onto their victims. But I have the lead suit of armor to stop solicitors in their tracks. Just tell them “no thanks” in a cool Johnny Bravo manner — and then proceed to do the monkey. It works every time.

I want to say more than “no thanks” but I’m afraid of confrontation. If I was fearless like Pajama Sam I would tell solicitors, “Most people take your annoying flyers and immediately throw them in the garbage. Do you realize that? Or do you think they put your handout in the trash because it’s a good place to save it?” Outside of my interactions with solicitors, I am able to speak my mind without any confrontation. Actually, I’m so honest with my friends that they call me “Honest Abe”. I don’t know where the “Abe” came from but I guess I like it. Yesterday, there was an example of Honest Abe in action. My girlfriend asked me, “Do the horizontal stripes on my shirt make me look fat?” I told her, “It’s not the horizontal stripes.”

At my college, we have way too many solicitors. As soon as I walk outside, I can hear the hollering of “Go to our event!”, “Donate to this charity!”, and “There is a blood drive today!” It’s like a bad song stuck on repeat. Even if I wanted to help out, I only have so much time, money, and blood. Why are solicitors targeting college students to donate money in the first place? We are as broke as a time traveling DeLorean without a flux capacitor. Maybe a better analogy is college students are as broke as the ideology that handing strangers flyers is an effective form of persuasion.

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