"It's supposed to be funny."
If I Were a Musician

If I Were a Musician

April 10, 2015

If I were a musician, my target audience would be kids. You think I’m joking? I can easily list five reasons why making children’s music is as innovative as sticking a feather in your hat and calling it macaroni.

1. I would sell twice as many concert tickets because parents have to go with their children to the shows.

2. Kids don’t know how to illegally download music and neither do their parents. My mom doesn’t even know how to turn on a computer — she still uses an abacus.

3. Children love merchandise. They buy shirts, posters, and most importantly action figures. I need my own action figure.

4. I would get my own kids show. To think, my show could be the next Barney and Friends, Puzzle Place, or Gullah Gullah Island. Those TV shows are still popular, right?

5. My fan base would be called “Mini-Me’s.” It’s creepy and adorable all at the same time.

If I were a musician, my musical instrument would be the triangle. Not only is the triangle highly prestigious, but it’s also a great way to pick up chicks. Mastering the triangle lets the ladies know you can hit all the right spots — if you know what I mean. You’re probably wondering, “What smoking hot babes go to kids concerts?” The MILFs, of course. No, they are not a band.

If I were a musician, I would go on tour around the world — or at least tour the places where my music is popular. I can think of two places off the top of my head: the local preschool and Japan. Yeah that’s right, I’m big in Japan.

If I were a musician, I would drop out of school. No more tests, papers, or gum from under my desk sticking to my jeans. I would finally be able to focus on my passion — making kids music with a triangle to attract MILFs in Japan.

Get columns sent to your inbox.