I feel like now is the perfect time to write this column because another year of school is about to begin. Typically, that would make me cringe, but I recently graduated college. I didn’t learn much, but I learned that school is not about learning. It’s simply about getting good grades. So forget everything that you learned in school — I’m going to teach you how to get straight A’s.
1. Sit at the front of the class. That way, when you fall asleep from the boring lecture, your teacher can easily wake you up.
2. Take notes. Don’t just take notes about what your teacher is saying and what is on the board. Take notes of literally everything around you because who the hell knows what’s going to be on that test. One time, I had a psychology test that asked me, “What chemical is found in batteries?” (True story.)
3. Study. Don’t just study your ridiculously detailed notes from tip #2. Study the textbook, study your friend’s notes, heck, study what your teacher eats for breakfast because (again) who the hell knows what’s going to be on that test.
4. Don’t cheat. Actually, do cheat, just don’t get caught.
5. Always carry a #2 pencil. A Scantron test is like a Jack-in-the-box. You know it’s coming, but you’re still unprepared.
6. Be prepared. A #2 pencil is not enough. The rules are constantly changing. You must have a #1 and a #3 pencil (in addition to your #2 pencil) at all times.
7. Never text and learn. You also shouldn’t text and drive. Actually, stop texting all together and call people for once in your life. What happened to having a nice verbal conversation? I’m talking to you, mom. Can you answer my phone calls? I want to tell you how much I love you — and I need money.
8. Work hard. Play harder.
9. Do your homework. But if it’s winter, then don’t do your homework and bank on a snow day. Personally, I bank on a snow day every day.
10. Don’t make excuses. If you didn’t do your homework, then just tell your teacher the truth — you were banking on a snow day.
11. Raise your hand. It’s good to stretch after sitting for a long amount of time.
12. Buy your teacher a gift. Teachers like apples, right? Sorry, that’s stereotyping. My aunt used to be a teacher and she’s allergic to apples. (True story.) Personally, I would buy my teacher a fancy steak dinner to remind them that I like my tests how I like my steaks — grade A.