"It's supposed to be funny."
11 Tips to Improve Your Resume

11 Tips to Improve Your Resume

October 26, 2015

1. Keep in mind that there is no proper way to write or design a resume. This article might say one thing, and the next article you read might say the opposite. Just do what feels best for you — or do whatever I say. You know you can trust a guy giving resume advice who has never had a full-time job.

2. Your content should fill one page. However, if you cannot fill the page, then note to your reader that you purposefully have a giant white space on your resume to reserve a spot for them.

3. Do not put your full address on your resume. It is a security risk. Also, it’s not the Dark Ages — no one is going to physically mail you anything. If your resume is great (because you followed these tips), then someone will email you.

4. Each bullet point should be no longer than one line. The reader wants an overview of your experience, not your life story.

5. Please do not have an “Objective” section. We all know what your objective is — to get the flippin’ job.

6. Begin every bullet point with a verb. Otherwise each sentence will start with “I” and that would make the reader go, “Aye yai yai.” That was a terrible joke, but great advice.

7. Try not to sound too professional. Keep in mind that humans are reading your resume, so don’t sound like a robot. I have to admit, I’m terrible at this. I like sounding super professional on my resume. For example, instead of saying, “I write funny blog posts about random stuff.” I’ll say something like, “I write satirical blog posts about arbitrary topics.” I sound like C-3PO.

8. Use a font that fits your personality. If you are fancy like Drake or Iggy, then use a serif font. If you’re a basic bitch like me, then use a sans serif font. For those of you who don’t know the difference between the fonts, I can’t help you with that. But for those of you who don’t know what a basic bitch is, let me give you an example. A basic bitch is someone who spends their afternoon in Starbucks, sipping their venti Pumpkin Spice Latte while writing a blog post about how they’re sipping a venti Pumpkin Spice Latte.

9. Unless you’re a social media strategist, you should not list any social networks in your “Skills” section. I know I’m supposed to be writing the jokes, but you’re doing it for me when you list Facebook as a skill.

10. Add color. I don’t care if you add one color or the whole flippin’ rainbow, just don’t let your resume be black and white. You know what they say, “A black and white resume is a basic bitch resume.”

11. Once you are finally done working on your resume, save it as a PDF file. That way it will look the same no matter what device it’s on. Also, no one wants to see your DOC.