1. Follow the unspoken rules of the elevator. Mainly face forward and be quiet. I don’t mean to scare you, but if you violate these social norms, people might give you weird looks (cue dramatic music).
2. Be courageous — when you’re alone. Fun fact about me, I dance and rap when I’m by myself in the elevator. I like to freestyle to the beat of elevator music. There is no one to give me weird looks, so I might as well do what I want.
3. Hold the door — or at least pretend to. Whenever I see someone running to catch the elevator, I rapidly press the “Door Close” button. As the door begins to close I scream out, “The “Door Open” button isn’t working! Sorry!” That way it appears I was trying to do the right thing. More importantly, the elevator needs to stay empty if I want to spit rhymes.
4. Have fun. The elevator is technically a ride, so enjoy it.
5. Be like a leaf in the wind. If you are in the back of a full elevator and need to get out, weave your way through people. Navigating around an elevator is all about spiritual movements. When you meet resistance, you must be able to switch direction at a moment’s notice. Be the leaf.
6. Avoid eye contact. Two popular techniques: stare at the changing floor number or pretend to do something on your phone. Maybe you can pretend I’m funny while you’re at it.
7. Have common sense. Don’t be that guy who is waiting right in front of the door to get on the elevator. Believe it or not, some people need to get off the elevator before you can get on.
8. Lose some weight. It’s embarrassing when you get on the elevator and it begins beeping because it’s carrying too much weight. In that moment, I bet you start thinking, “If only I were a pound or two less, then maybe the elevator would shut up.” Too bad you aren’t starting your diet until tomorrow. Unfortunately for your health, you are always “starting your diet tomorrow.”
9. Hold your breath. It’s the worst when I am trapped in a tiny box with someone who smells. Then again, if I’m stuck in the elevator with that cute girl from my Zumba class, then I guess it doesn’t hurt to sniff that succulent scent.
10. Be stubborn. If you accidentally get on an elevator that is going up, don’t get off, your fate has already been decided. It’s like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and you submitted your final answer. Let’s be honest, it’s less awkward to ride the elevator up (even if you have to go down) than getting on the elevator and immediately walking off. But either way, people are going to give you weird looks.